


i found love where it wasn't supposed to be (but i miss you more than i thought i would)

by bloodaccusedstones



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 06:36:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3109766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodaccusedstones/pseuds/bloodaccusedstones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla’s all broken and bloody and gasping for air her lungs don’t need. You crouch next to her, put your hand behind her neck, quietly hushing her, and you look up at the edge of the roof of the Alchemy Tower and the roof is far far far in the sky and you feel sick. Her gasps make you look down at her. There’s bones sticking out of her and she’s convulsing a bit and you feel so sad for some reason. You pull her into your lap and you brush the hair out of her face. You call Perry and tell her to go to Carmilla’s dorm and bring lots of first aid kits. She asks about Carmilla and you told her to just do what you asked then hung up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i found love where it wasn't supposed to be (but i miss you more than i thought i would)

///

You can’t see out of your right eye. Some idiot vampire got in a lucky shot before you staked him. You rush past people in fights and all you see is a blur of blood and wood and teeth. You’re looking for her but you can’t find her. You spot LaF and Perry and Perry is standing above an unmoving Will and oh god, there’s blood dripping from the stake she’s holding. Even LaF looks a little sick while Perry looks scarily delighted.

You wipe the blood off your eye and LaF notices you standing there. You give them a nod, which they reciprocate, and you keep moving to find her. Laura.

You hear a roar and it makes you stop dead in your tracks, kicking up dirt which clouds around your feet. A few other stop fighting and witness a huge black panther bulldozing its way through the crowd. Somehow, you know it’s Carmilla. You know she’s after Laura, so you sprint after her, jumping and dodging your way through the mass of tumbling bodies. You stop running and watch as Carmilla drags Laura away from the edge of the hellish pit.

You watch as Carmilla fights off the Dean and punches her in the face, sending her down down down.

You watch as Carmilla turns back to Laura with tears in her eyes, then jumps like a fallen angel.

You watch Laura scream her name and shuffles on her hands and knees to the edge and looks down into the dark abyss. 

You watch Laura push a boulder onto the Dean, sufficiently hitting her and making her fall into the gates of hell.

You watch as the ground crumbles under Laura’s feet, and with a scream, she falls, honey colored hair flailing around her face.

///

You cry out for her and hang your head over the edge of that godforsaken fucking pit, and it’s black and you can’t see the bottom and oh god Laura fell into that hell.

Someone drags your sobbing body away from the pit that swallowed the only person you ever cared about.

///

Laura is dead.

///

Carmilla is dead.

///

You’ve never felt so empty before.

///

You don’t remember what happened after that very well. Everything flies past you in a haze. You don’t get out of bed for a while. When someone makes you go outside the sun feels like it’s peeling back your skin.

You find yourself walking a lot. Mostly at night so the blasted sun wouldn’t hurt you. You end up in the middle of their dorm, standing between the beds. The empty beds. The sheets are still tossed around and twisted, as if someone had just slept in them. You drag your gaze around the room slowly, taking in everything: the owl lamp is still on, a cup of blood is sitting on the counter, an opened packet of cookies on the desk, a book peeking at you from underneath Carmilla’s pillow.

You feel something snap.

///

Perry finds you curled in the fetal position, crying your heart out between the beds, the wardrobe smashed to pieces.

She sits on the ground next to you and LaF joins her after some time. They both sit with their backs against Laura’s bed, watching with tears in their eyes as you cry and cry and cry.

///

You’re sitting against a tree, watching the Zetas throw some cherry bombs into the pit and you don’t know why. You can’t bring yourself to care. Laura’s gone. Nothing really matters anymore.

You see them start yelling and throwing their hands around in the air, and Kirsch looks at you. He smiles but his eyes look so sad. You find yourself sprinting over to him and he’s yelling at his bros, then jumps down into the pit. You hop down after him (the pit has gotten smaller, it wasn’t this shallow before) and scramble over to where he, along with a few other Zetas, are standing. You hear someone yell your name and you see LaF and Perry running after you. You don’t stop, can’t stop, navigating your way through some rocks to get to Kirsch (LauraLauraLauraLauraLaura).

You stand beside him and your heart is singing because LauraLauraLaura. You look down to the body in front of you, and your stomach drops.

It’s not Laura.

It’s Carmilla.

///

You swallow the scream that is trying to claw its way up your throat.

///

Kirsch has his bros dig through the rubble for Laura.

They don’t find her.

You never wanted to die as much as you do right now.

///

You end up carrying Carmilla back to the dorm with LaF and Perry hot on your heels. You set her down on her bed and LaF practically shoves you back and while they start examining Carmilla, Perry drags you back to the window. She runs out of the room and returns with three first aid kits and sets them down next to Carmilla’s legs. She hovers over LaF’s shoulder while they open the kits and start cleaning Carmilla’s wounds.

You can’t even look at her without wanting to stake yourself. You look out the window at a tree that stands not far from the window. You see the branches waving in the wind, a few leaves flutter down to the ground. You feel sick. You drop to your knees and rest your head on your forearms.

God, Laura, why couldn’t it have been you?

///

Carmilla wakes up a little after Perry made her body swallow some blood. She lifts her head and slowly looks around. LaF is sitting on the ground, Perry’s in the computer chair, and you’re on the stool. Her gaze is glassy and no one moves. You can barely stand the sight of her; she’s alive and Laura’s not, and you hate her for it. She looks at you and you resist the urge to punch her.

“Laura?” She croaks. You shake your head, feeling tears starting to form in your eyes. Her face falls and she starts gasping, saying, “No, no, no, no no no,”.

Perry jumps up, climbs into the bed, moves behind Carmilla, and puts Carmilla’s thrashing head against her chest, shushing her and stroking her hair.

You want to punch yourself in the face until you have a black eye.

///

You don’t see Carmilla again for a while.

You were perfectly fine about that, you can’t look at her and you wish she was dead and Laura was here instead. But, of course, Perry had to go all momma bear mode and made you feel guilty for not caring for Carmilla. She didn’t want to hear you when you said that you and Carmilla never really got along. She said that Laura would’ve wanted everyone to look after Carmilla.

God damnit, Perry. You just had to use Laura, didn’t you?

You make sure to visit Carmilla.

///

She looks like hell. You guess you do, too.

She’s sitting in her bed, wrapped up in blankets and holding a blood cup, looking at Laura’s bed, knuckles white and hands trembling. She’s paler than normal and she looks a little yellow. Her wrists are skinnier and her cheeks are hollower. Her knuckles are sharper and her nose seems smaller. She hasn’t been taking care of herself.

But that’s alright. You haven’t been either.

She turns her head slowly and looks at you with such empty eyes, you feel a slight pang until you remember that you hate her undead guts. You move slowly towards her and you see her clench the glass tighter, and you sit on the edge of her bed. You don’t say anything and she doesn’t either, and you’re thankful for the silence; you don’t think you could stand the sound of her voice.

You don’t move from your position, even after your back starts cramping and your palms sting.

“What happened to the wardrobe?” She rasps suddenly, and you look over at her. She’s staring at you with no expression on her face or in her eyes. You glance over to the empty space where the wardrobe once stood and you spot a sliver of wood. You feel your chin start trembling and you swing your head around, so now you’re looking in the direction of the bathroom. Your eyes are filling with tears but you refuse to let them fall. You are so damn tired of crying.

You glance back at Carmilla and her hands are shaking violently, staring at a crack in the floorboards with watery eyes.

She doesn’t say anything else.

///

You walk back into the dorm a few days later. Perry told you that Carmilla was getting worse and you could barely bring yourself to care, but when you saw how upset she and LaF looked, you knew you had to do something.

Carmilla is laying on the floor next to the desk. You close the door quietly and stand next to the wardrobe (yes, you had a new one installed). Her back is to you and you can see her chest moving and her ribs are protruding, you can tell even with her shirt on.

“Hey, Dead Girl.” She slowly rolls over on her back and looks at you with no expression. Her face is so bonny and her skin has this grey complexion and her collarbones are sharp. Her eyes are so dull and the bags under her eyes are the worst you’ve ever seen on anyone. “Get up. We’re going on a field trip.” She blinks, then rolls over so her back is facing you again.

You don’t know why that enrages you but it does (Laura is dead because of her). You stomp over to her body and you grab her arms and lift her up so she’s standing. She yelps and struggles to get out of your grasp. You shake her and scream in her face for her to stop. She glares at you but stops, stands on her own, and yanks her arms out of your hands. You motion for her to follow you as you walk out of the dorm (the dorm feels like it has demons and souls trapped inside the walls. You think that between Carmilla and Laura and you, it has enough demons to last lifetimes).

You stand in the doorway and look back to see Carmilla slowly following you. Her stupid leather pants that used to cling to her legs so tightly now sag on her hips, baggy and dirty. You feel like puking.

///

You lead her to the Alchemy Club’s roof (because they have a tower-like structure for their building and it’s the tallest building on campus). You sit down on the edge of the roof, your legs dangling off, hanging between ground and oblivion. Carmilla plops down next to you and she is so skinny you think she’s made of glass slivers.

You have a perfect view of the mountains that aren’t far away from Silas. The sun is just now rising, and it dips the tips of the mountains in blood orange, soft pink twirling in the colors. You see a swirl of gold in the sunrise, and you can’t help but think of Laura’s hair (you used to think that you could spin gold from her hair). You know Laura would’ve liked to see this.

You glance over to Carmilla and she looks so sorrowful and centuries old. You realize that this isn’t uncommon for her, losing those she cares about. You’d feel bad for her if she didn’t let Laura die.

But then you realize that Carmilla didn’t let Laura die. She sacrificed herself for Laura. Laura’s dead, but not because Carmilla didn’t save her.

She’s dead because you didn’t save her.

///

You stay in your room for days.

///

Carmilla bursts into your room. You toss your blankets off and stare at her with hard eyes.

“What. The actual. Fuck? You can’t just knock down my door unannounced, Morticia. I don’t give two shits whether or not-”

“Kinda like you did to my door, Beanpole?” You snap your jaw shut and glare at her. She looks a little better, less pale and skinny. Her leather pants look clean and a little less baggy. You see some of your sisters watching Carmilla, guarding you, and some are looking at you with worried expressions.

“What do you want?” You growl at her.

“Get up, Stork. We’re going on a field trip,” she smirks. So clever, using your line. You sigh loudly and slowly get out of your bed. You slip on some regular jeans (the bright ones seem to be a little less bright these days and that makes you sad), black converse, and an old hoodie. You tie your hair in a loose bun so you won’t have to brush it. You look like shit, you know you do. You see Carmilla walking out of your sorority house so you follow her, the eyes of your sisters glued to your back, burning holes into your skin.

///

She leads you to the University’s cafe and you see Perry and LaF sitting at a table next to a window. You sigh quietly. Of fucking course.

“They were worried, weren’t they?”

“Yes. You haven’t been out of that room for days, Xena,” you huff but nod your head. You glance down at her and her hair is very wavy today, more wavy than normal.

You hope this isn’t a bad idea.

///

It wasn’t. It was just what you needed.

///

It’s been three months since the battle. Since Laura died. You went to the vigil the University held for her. The candle light reflected off the small pond near the park and you thought that Laura would’ve loved the sight. You had looked over at Carmilla and her face was softly highlighted by the candle light, skin glowing and eyes black. She looked so sad.

Her father had visited the University. He visited the dorm when you and Carmilla had been in there; you were quietly grading papers on Carmilla’s bed while she had been lying next to you, reading a book. He had cried and thanked you both for being such good friends to Laura. He was the one to make her bed; the both of you still couldn’t touch it. When he returned home, he sent you an email, saying he had buried Laura in the cemetery in her hometown, next to her mother, even though there was no body.

You cried for hours.

///

You’re on your way to Carmilla’s dorm. It’s been four months since Laura. She doesn’t have a new roommate yet; the school decided to let her grieve until she requested for a new one. Which is nice, you guess.

You walk inside and close the door, and you see Carmilla leaning against the bathroom door. She looks scared and she’s been crying. You ask her what happened, worried laced in your question. She pushes herself off the door and walks over to you. You stiffen, ready for a punch or a screaming match, but not for what happens.

She pulls you down to her level and kisses you. She tastes like tears and regret and smoke, and you find yourself kissing her back. She moans and tangles her fingers in your hair. She pulls off your shirt and cries into your mouth. You bite at her neck and unbutton her blouse quickly, and she pushes you over to her bed. You don’t sit down, despite her trying to shove you onto your back. You nudge her shoulders, trying to push her away you.

“Carmilla. Stop. You don’t want this,” you gasp at her and she pulls at your neck. She grabs fistfuls of your shirt and yanks you down to her mouth.

“Please,” she gasps into your mouth, “Please, Danny, please,” her ragged breaths are filled with cries and you feel your composure slipping. She needs this almost as much as you do. You feel your eyes stinging with tears (I’m so sorry, Laura) and you pull Carmilla into a needy kiss. You grab her and toss her onto her bed. You crawl over to her, your hands running up her naked torso, over a long scar, palm her over her bra, and listen to her breathy moan. You kiss her again, hard, hoping that maybe if you push hard enough into Carmilla, you could disappear.

You never meant for this to happen.

///

You leave after Carmilla falls asleep on your chest, her breath pulsing against your collarbone.

///

Perry calls you. You automatically know it’s about Carmilla. She’s taken up the role as Carmilla’s caretaker, not that she isn’t momma bear for you and LaF, but Carmilla seems to need more help than you or LaF did (she had cared for you after Laura but before Carmilla was found). You don’t really want to answer your phone to talk about Carmilla.You haven’t talked or seen each other since you had violently fucked, filled with sweat and tears and need and regret.

You answer anyway. Perry tells you that Carmilla hasn’t been seen in a while (which doesn’t worry you, she’s always disappearing), but LaF last saw her hanging around the Alchemy Club’s building. You swallow and it feels like rocks are in your throat. You have a bad feeling. You tell Perry you’ll go check it out.

You run over to Alchemy Tower and you walk around the perimeter. It’s dark and you can’t see well, so you walk around for a bit. You’re about to leave when you see a patch of grass that looks flattened. It’s cold and it’s beginning to flurry and shit, please no. You race over to the spot and holy shit, no, god damnit.

Carmilla’s all broken and bloody and gasping for air her lungs don’t need. You crouch next to her, put your hand behind her neck, quietly hushing her, and you look up at the edge of the roof of the Alchemy Tower and the roof is far far far in the sky and you feel sick. Her gasps make you look down at her. There’s bones sticking out of her and she’s convulsing a bit and you feel so sad for some reason. You pull her into your lap and you brush the hair out of her face. You call Perry and tell her to go to Carmilla’s dorm and bring lots of first aid kits. She asks about Carmilla and you told her to just do what you asked then hung up.

Carmilla’s crying and you feel so helpless. You sit there, trying to calm her down, holding her broken pieces together. You gather her in your arms and start carrying her to her dorm. Again.

But this time, you realize she is far more broken than you’ve ever been.

///

You’re sitting on a tree branch in the middle of the campus’ park. You always liked climbing trees, you’re not really sure why, but it always made you feel a little closer to the clouds.

Now, you’re a little closer to Laura.

You’re thinking about hopping down when you see Carmilla trudging through the snow. She’s walking a little stiffly, wrist wrapped in bandages and eyes broken. She looks a little tired and greyish again, but she’s alive. You don’t know why you’re relieved. She walks over to a bench and sits down on it, opens her book and begins reading.

Her back is to you, so you drop out of the tree and walk over to her. If she notices you sitting next to her, she doesn’t show it. You both sit there for a while and you look at the snow, the flurries in the air. They are moving downward slowly, like they’re suspended in the air. The snow is white, like fresh milk, like cotton and sugar, like Carmilla’s skin.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

“Really, Cullen?”

“Don’t. Call me that, Hagrid.”

“Hey, wow, that wasn’t insulting or anything.”

“You started it.”

“What? I did not.”

“Yeah, you did. You called me Cullen.”

“Because you lied to me and I don’t really appreciate being lied to.”

“And how, pray tell, did I lie?”

“You said you were fine,” she sucks in a breathe of air and you smirk. Caught you, didn’t I? She stays quiet and you see her grating her teeth together.

“What did you want me to say?” She growls.

“I don’t know Carmilla, the truth, maybe?” Carmilla shakes her head and goes back to reading her book. You sigh. “Carmilla, you don’t have to pretend around me,” and you mean that. You were the one who carried her body back to the dorm, you were the one who got her moving again, you were the one who she fucked, you were the one to find her bloody body scattered around the Alchemy Tower.

“You want the truth? Fine,” she slams the book and swings her head over to you, a fire in her eyes and a dragon between her teeth. “I’m pissed at you. I wanted to die and you wouldn’t let me. I jumped off a twenty story building so I didn’t have to stay. But no! You just had to stick your nose in places it shouldn’t belong. I wanted to die! And you wouldn’t let me! Fuck! You! Danny Lawrence!”

She deflates a little, bends over into herself. Her eyes look old, like all her 334 years. She opens her book to the wrong page, but you notice she’s not reading it anyway. She’s looking over the top, staring at the concrete sidewalk, looking so sad and lost.

“But you can’t die,” you murmur.

“I know,” she whispers back.

///

“So, can the Cullens transform into a cat, too?”

“I don’t know, Xena. You ask them.”

“Why don’t you? I mean, you’re family really-”

“I certainly am not related to such idiotic, fictional group of hooligans that mock my very existence. And for the record, Groot, I am a black leopard.”

“A giant black cat.”

“No, Chewbacca. A majestic leopard that could claw your eyes out.”

“A fluffy, little kitty that mewls.”

“I am the ghost of the forest-”

“Alright, jeez, Leech, calm yourself.”

///

You start sleeping in the dorm with Carmilla. You had fallen asleep on her bed while grading papers one night, and that was the first night in weeks that you or Carmilla got two hours of sleep. So you just started sleeping in there. It was a blow to your pride but also for Carmilla’s (she’s a cuddler, you found that out quick). You sleep in her bed with her; Laura’s bed stares at you and you still can’t risk touching it. She’s been gone for seven months now, but you miss her more than you can fathom.

You’re resting on your back, Carmilla’s tucked into your side, and the moon is softly glowing outside. You trace the notches of her spine and her hip bones, and when she sucks on your neck, you grip her hipbone tightly. She chuckles against your collarbone and rests her head on your chest. She runs her hand up and down your neck and you end up tracing patterns against her soft skin.

“What was your family like?” You don’t know why you asked that but it was spilling from your lips before you could even stop yourself.

“I don’t remember,” she speaks into your chest after a while. “What is yours like?”

“I don’t have one,” she raises her head and looks into your eyes. You stare for a while at the moonlight surrounding her head. “I’m an orphan.”

She looks at the pillow, then places her head back on your chest. She kisses right above your heart and you feel so sad and you miss Laura, but Carmilla fits against your side so wonderfully and she is so gentle when she wants to be.

///

You’re standing in front of the small memorial next to a tree by the Lustig. It’s for the ones that were killed in the battle. It’s for Laura. You stand in front of it with your hands in your pockets, Carmilla’s standing next to you, mirroring your position. You’ve been standing here for a while and somehow, you can’t find any words to say.

(“I’m sorry Laura.

I should’ve saved you.

I have Carmilla now.

I miss you.

It’s weird.

You were the epitome of the sun.

I can see why you loved her.

I should’ve fought harder.

I loved you.

I love her.”)

Carmilla hasn’t said anything either. You guess it’s becomes a little easier as the years passed, losing someone you love. You stare at the memorial and you feel so guilty for standing by Carmilla instead of Laura. A part of you will always hate Carmilla for being the one to survive instead of Laura. You think Carmilla will always hate herself a little bit, too. You hate a part of yourself for not saving her. Out of you and Carmilla, Laura should’ve been the one to survive.

“I miss her,” Carmilla whispers quietly, like a child afraid of the dark. You nod because you miss her more than your marrow can stand.

“I loved her. I know you did, too,” you say through gritted teeth.

“Yes. I did.”

“I think I love you,” you breathe. Carmilla swings her head to you and oh shit, you regret that. You have no idea what possessed you to say that (maybe you needed to get it off your unholy chest). You refuse to make eye contact with her and you stare at your feet. It’s quiet again, and you so regret saying that. You swallow roughly.

She never says anything.

///

You wake up and groan. You crack open your eyelids and it’s still night and you’re exhausted. You notice Carmilla’s gone so you sit up, sheets piling around your bare waist, and you see her sitting by the window. You watch how the light melts into her skin, making her a part of the light, and it takes your breathe away.

“Carm?”

“Hm?”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Nocturnal, remember?” She sends a smirk in your direction. You roll your eyes.

“Get back in bed, you overgrown mosquito.”

“Says the Jolly Red Giant.”

“Don’t be an anemic douche bag.”

“Can’t you fur keep you warm, Sasquatch?”

“Carmilla.”

"Alright, alright. I’ll be there in a sec,” you grin and settle back down into the bed. You doze off and when you snap awake, Carmilla’s still not in bed. You raise yourself and sit on the edge of the bed and see Carmilla walking towards you.

“You worried about me, Groot?”

“Yes,” you say honestly. She nods and tucks a piece of your hair behind your ears (she’ll never tell you, but you know she loves your hair). She kisses you softly, but before you can deepen it, she pulls back and rests her forehead on yours. “Are you alright? Like, seriously?” She nods. “You know I love you, right?” You decided to say it, because you’ve been sleeping with her for months, you’ve been her unofficial roommate for almost a year, so you might as well say it now. She wraps her hands around your neck and kisses your cheek.

You pull back slightly, and her curly hair is tumbling around her shoulders and it’s black like obsidian, like storm clouds, like outer space. You found out that her hair gets even curlier when it’s wet, and you love to mess with it after she gets out of the shower. You’ll never tell her that you love her hair, either.

You move over in the bed, giving Carmilla room to slip in next to you. You kiss her softly and she rests her head against your chest, listening to your heartbeat. You run you hand over the scars on her back; there is so much about Carmilla that you don’t know about, much like there is so much about you that Carmilla doesn’t know yet.

“The feeling’s mutual.”

“Aw, look at you go, Carm. Talking about feelings and all.”

“Really?”

“I’m kidding, Carm.”

“I do love you, Danny. However stupid you may seem sometimes.”

“Where there a declaration of love somewhere in there, Cullen?”

“Lawrence!”

You laugh and tickle her sides and she swats your hands away from her. You grin and look down at her, chuckling slightly. She smacks your abs, but you feel her chuckling silently.

Her laughter rings in your ears, pounding into your chest, dancing along with your heartbeat.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all died a little. I couldn't let people think I was going soft, could I?


End file.
